If you need immediate help call 911 or your local emergency number. If you are thinking of hurting yourself call the suicide hotline at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). Alternatively visit this website: http://www.suicide.org.
Sexuality
This article touches on sexuality, contains a personal story, discloses a revelation, and includes advice for others.
Sexuality is silly. Why should anyone care what gender people are attracted to? It does not matter. Nobody, no matter their sexuality, should have to say anything about it. Eventually society will adapt and not care about it for anyone. People will not think about it. We will just be — without concern about who others are sexually attracted to. We will look at each other and base our judgements on them simply from their personality and individuality. That being said, it is not like that today. And that is why I am writing this article — because society today does care.
I tell my story not because of the people who will judge me, but rather for those who understand, for those going through something relevant, and for those who it may help. The naysayers will continue to be naysayers. I can handle them. I hope this will help those who need it.
Before I was 18 I literally burned twenty dollar bills to prevent myself from succumbing to my homosexual desires. This was my way to punish myself after becoming intimate with other males. I quickly stopped after it became too expensive. From 18-23 I denied my feelings and attractions by trying to force myself to limit them to females. I was abstinent. I did not want to accept I was possibly gay. Religious conditioning negatively warped my thinking such that I could not be comfortable feeling attracted to males. I had succumbed to social pressures preventing me from living honestly and freely. I was in an environment that viewed the world singularly. I could ONLY be straight. There were no other options. I felt guilty about my feelings. I thwarted opportunities I would have loved to pursue by denying what is okay and natural.
Later my sexuality became less of an issue. People have asked about my sexual orientation for a long time. I told them I didn’t know. Nor did I really care. I have only recently discovered and embraced it.
I don't like to use labels, however, it makes it easier for others to understand. Initially I thought I had only one option — straight. Then I thought there were two — straight or gay. Finally I discovered I do not have to choose. I can simply be me and love whoever I want. I can simply be.
Things are shaded. People are not tall OR short, they can be from either extreme and everything in-between. It is the same for sexuality, people can be gay, straight, or anything in-between. Let’s look in the animal kingdom. I remember our dogs engaging in gay sex. Frequently. And straight sex. Frequently. Many people can relate with similar experiences.
I am neither gay nor straight. I fit somewhere in-between. I am attracted to, have loved, and have slept with both genders. As a bi person, I do not fit into people's monomial or binomial views of the world. They cannot comprehend how someone could love both genders.
When I am with someone I will love them and uphold the promises and expectations for the relationship. The next person may be of the opposite gender. Whatever gender I am with, I will still feel attracted to both. I will choose a partner based on my attraction irrespective of gender. The gender may change. It may not be consistent. The point is, it does not matter. Romantic love exists in places beyond married couples of opposite genders.
Some say that only people of the opposite gender should be partners because of procreation. That is an illegitimate argument if only because many partners are infertile and cannot reproduce. That being said, when I am with the same gender I will sure as hell try prove everyone wrong. I would like children but they don't have to be my own. I am perfectly okay adopting. Adoption affords opportunities kids may otherwise never have. Many kids are in need of supportive homes. When I was in South Africa I thought of adopting for the first time. After careful deliberation I chose not to.
Fear prevents some people from exploring and embracing their sexuality. They say they are confused or don't know. They may be obviously gay but cannot accept it, I personally know some. It is deplorable that people are raised and conditioned with a skewed view of sexuality incompatible with reality. It ruins what should be a natural, normal, and wonderful experience.
If you have dated the same gender, are attracted to them, and/or enjoy intimacy with them, use these as signs you are probably homosexual or bisexual. Ignore what others think about your love. Love who YOU love. It does not matter: who that happens to be, what your partners gender says about your sexuality, and what your relationships mean regarding your sexuality.
Explore and pursue your attractions. Follow your heart. It is okay to sleep with and love the gender that feels natural. Go with what FEELS right, not what you THINK is right. Don't deny yourself the opportunity to love. If you are with someone and are still wondering if you are attracted to them, or wondering if you are gay, stop it. It is needless and will cause more pain. If you are questioning your sexuality, find someone you are actually attracted to and explore those feelings. It is okay.
For years I deprived myself senselessly. There is no need for you to repeat my mistake. Pursue your passions. Don't let religious dogma and conditioning hold you back. Get help if you suffer from Religious Trauma Syndrome. Most people do not care who you are attracted to and are with. Find someone you are comfortable with and open up to them. Start by being honest with the people you most trust until you are comfortable and can tell anyone. That does not mean you have to proclaim it from the top of your lungs at every opportunity, but if it comes up in conversation, share it. Your partners of the opposite gender, dating life, or something related may come up in conversation. An easy segue is to say, well, actually I am seeing this person of my same gender. It is okay.
If someone comes out to you, support them. Let them know you still love them and will treat them the same as before. And do that. That is what will help the most. If you need time, simply say okay. If you feel a negative reaction, leave it to yourself. Do not impose your judgement or try to chastise or criticize them. Live your life, let them live theirs. You have no business interfering because it does not and should not impact you. Simply say okay, that you love them, and will treat them the same. It is no big deal.
If you need someone to talk or come out to, talk to someone trusted in your life or feel free to contact me.
Do what FEELS right for you.
It is okay to explore it.
Be free.
It gets better.
Further Resources:
1. Call 911 or your local emergency number if you need immediate help.
2. If you are thinking of hurting yourself call the suicide hotline at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). Alternatively visit this website: http://www.suicide.org.
3. For stories about people who came out visit the It Gets Better Project at http://www.itgetsbetter.org.
4. You may contact me if you would like someone to talk or come out to.